prideless_sugar - bleh

Read a book last night (started in the afternoon, finished around 1 am, it was a relatively short book)
It was a good book, no doubt about that, despite - - - -

 

Read a book last night (started in the afternoon, finished around 1 am, it was a relatively short book)
It was a good book, no doubt about that, despite the fact that as soon as the last page was turned it was thrown across the room.
I don't even know what it was called, just that Sally and myself were bored at lunch amusing ourselves over the sheer number of gay-youth-themed books in the college library, especially in the "holiday" section. (Just before the holidays start, they usually set out a heap of "reccomended" books to take for you reading pleasure over the hols, usually about repressed sexual abuse, closeted young gays & lesbians and eating disorders - I took the closeted young lesbian book, and one based on a young anorexic girl, just for shits and giggles - having recently slacked off at the gym in all my jiggly laziness and feeling the need to read about being skinny in a bad way - i'm weird like that.)

The minute I was in the first chapter I was the main character, a girl from my art class was another, and my ex (current just-"friend") another.  Everything the girl felt matched my own feelings at the time so closely it hurt, and I was surprised at how many times you could cry whilst reading such a short book.
Everything that happened was just the same as my 1-year ordeal in fast-forward.
Towards the end it felt as ifi t was going to conclude perfectly, the main character Nicola giving a big "fuck you" to her (first) ex-girlfriend and <--her new boyfriend, and moving on knowing she was better and that she didn't need her.  It would have been the perfect ending, a little encouragement.  But somehow they reconciled and got back together - the end.
It wasn't the ending I wanted, it felt so unfair, that she should get her happy ending after going through such a simialr ordeal, and me not mine.  The ending left me so shit and angry that the book was on the other side of the room as soon as I'd turned to the blank page.

One line that hit home so hard I put the book down and drenched the knees of my jeans and painted my lower face with mascara - "I couldn't stand to be near her, I hated her and wanted to be as far away as possible, on the other side of the world.  But at the same time I want her so much and need her to love me"  or something along those lines.  Whatever.  Point being - its more than two years later now and I still feel the same -

- (giving her the name of the character she is in the book), it's been easier to distance myself from Battle recently, she doesn't seem to want to talk to me much in the 1 class we share (woohoo), when she does it's usually about parties (that I don't go to) and music I don't listen to and guys she likes - does she know how much it hurts when she does that? - and this and that.    The advantage in all of this is that its easier for me not to find it so hard to not  love like her.  To not hang on every word she says, every movement and gesture.  Not find every aspect of her beautiful.  Even her frequent random (ad even now I'm strong enough to say -) unwarranted remarks of contempt, wait, no, moods where she decides she's feeling shitty, and wants to treat me like crap, because I'm the only person she knows who she doesn't respect, and assumes I'll just take it becuase I wont stand up for myself - which is valid.
But I did make progress yesterday, only slipping towards the end of the lesson, when her third question  in attempt to make conversation was asked and I gave in and spoke to her exclusively, which she seems to be able to tell - that one moment when I lose my resolve and turn to her, eyes only for her and actually answering her question with more than five words, she suddenly looks disinterested, of unsure as to why I've apparently started taling rubbish out of the blue through no prompting of her own, and ignores me or condecending me. 
-It shall not happen again-  Next lesson, on Tuesday, only short, measured responses to necessary questions, or feigning having not heard her when asked a question that will inevitably result in a condecending or contemptuous response to my answer.
I don't need her, its not like we're even friends anymore, (not that I ever wanted to be, not after the breakup, despite her nature towards me, it's always had to be all-or-nothing) she hardly acts like she wants to be.  After the brief moment of amiable conversation last lesson, I thought diffrently, and started a conversation with her on MSN that night, to which I was given short, curt answers - fuck that.

Aquaintances, like with the people you know from having been in the same school for years, but never having been friends, just polite and conversing when a spontaneous teacher-organised group project requires it.
Soon enough (in a year and 3 months) I'll be in another state, a strait between us, she'll be studying at uni or at a party or doing whatever it is she's doing back home, and I'll be in the training camp, learning how to cook for fellow troops, spending my days getting up, working out, washing, maintaining my quarters, training for the cooking, basic soldier training and going back to bed.  Same thingevery day over and over in the beautifully strict, tight, mundane, monotonous routine that never changes. Bliss. I can't wait.

 

*lets out a breath*  And yet I still don't feel any better.  It's got to stop.  But I've got the army to look forward to.
Curse myself but - things can't really get any worse.  Schoolwork is getting better, and I'm the only one who can help myself, which means going back to the gym.  Yes.

xxxx